Monday, March 19, 2012

Non Sequiturs Part Deux ~ Goth Mom Strikes Back

I mentioned in a previous post that my teenaged son, Balthazar (a.k.a. The Kid) likes to throw these mind-blowing non sequiturs at me out of the blue in order to mess with my wits, such as they are. Over the years I've learned to under-react, either by pretending I didn't hear him or going along with whatever nonsense he's spewing. For example:
The Kid: Knock, Knock.
Me: Who's there?
TK: To.
Me: To, who?
TK: To whom, Mom!
Me (roll my eyes and shut my mouth)
And like that. OK, that one wasn't too bad, and a harmless bit of fun, at that. But I realize that all this time suffering from his intense assaults on my (questionable) sanity have left me punchy. Case in point -

An old high-school chum, her toddler, and I were at the local Target with The Kid to shop for his then-girlfriend's Christmas gift (though it was already late January). I was mildly annoyed that his procrastination on this task was tapping into my afternoon with my friend and quickly came to understand that Balthy hadn't given the matter too much thought beyond getting himself to a Target.
Me: So what do you plan on getting your girlie?
The Kid (with a shrug): I dunno. A scarf, I guess.
Me: A scarf, you guess?
TK: Maybe something else too.
Me: Like what?
TK: I dunno. Something feminine.
Me (with some asperity): Tampons?
I think I made my poor friend snort some of her latte up into her sinuses. (Sorry 'bout that, Dude.) But never fear - old Balthazar got me back soon after.

One Saturday afternoon he was out with some pals and didn't respond to my text asking for his whereabouts (not longitude and latitude, or anything, I just wanted a rough idea of where he was). He didn't reply so when he came home -
Me: I sent you a text, why didn't you answer?
TK: Didn't get it.
Me: Humph. Where were you?
TK: Around. (At my glare.) At the park.
Me: What were y'all doin' there?
TK: Oh, you know. The usual. Walkin' around. Exploring. Meth.
Grrr...Of course, he totally wasn't doing drugs. (I don't think.) (Please, God, let him have been yanking my chain.) I made a mental note to strike back at the earliest opportunity, and here's how that went -

I kicked Balthazar off the PC around 11pm and sent him to bed. The Kid came at me all growly and testy teen-like so I give him a big hug and kiss.
The Kid: Ah, I farted.
Me: Is that what you do when your girlfriend kisses you?
TK: Euw, that's gross.
Me: Which part; kissing your girlfriend or farting while you do it?
And that, I am thrilled to inform you, successfully shut him up. Until he farted again. 'Twas a small victory for Goth Mom but I'll take what I can get.

15 comments:

  1. Actually, I liked that 'knock, knock' joke :)
    Great post - you have an entertaining way of writing, so thank you, it put a smile on my face reading it.

    Love your A-Z badge. Where did you get that one? It's far superior to the kiddy-thing I had access to?

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  2. I liked the knock-knock joke, too (but don't tell Balthazar). ;-)

    Thanks for the lovely comments! I found my Blogging A to Z badge here (and they've added some other pretty nifty ones as well): http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/p/to-z-badges-and-banners.html

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  3. Thank you so very much - will be heading there right now... although, I did consider designing one of my own? But can I really be inspired enough? We shall see.

    Look forward to reading more of your blog soon :)

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    Replies
    1. I seem to recall reading somewhere that inspiration must be seized by the throat...or was that in reference to one's in-laws? I forget. ANYWAY, I'd love to see whatcha come up with! :-)

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    2. Ok, you managed it again with that quip about the in-laws... you have a great sense of humour and put it well in type - now that's a gift!

      Thank you so very much for joining us at the hearth. It's a real pleasure to have you there, I just hope you enjoy your stay and find the odd thing of interest :)

      Kind regards,

      Mark

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  4. Mina,

    I've taken the liberty of nominating you for a 'Versatile Blogger Award' - you can find the details on my blog site.

    Hope you don't mind?

    Mark

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  5. Mina,

    If you don't like the award badge in the fiery orange, tell me what colour scheme you prefer and I'll sort that out for you - if you want to, of course? You always have the option to politely decline these things, so don't feel obliged . :)

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    Replies
    1. Aha! I see this honor entails some work on my part! ;-)

      Sorry, didn't realize that earlier - I quickly skimmed your blog post and didn't grok that there was stuff I had to do...so being nominated means I've already sort of won, eh? :-D

      OK, I'll get cracking (also, I'm shamelessly ripping off your groovy badge, as I feel it's more in keeping with my site's aesthetics). (Such as they are.)

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    2. I have a red version of my 'funky' badge if you rather? Just give the word and I can email it to you :)

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    3. Oooh, oooh, yeah, yeah, let's see that bad boy!!! :-D

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  6. I love the tampon part. This is one of my new stories that I tell everyone! - Katy O

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Katy O! I was pleased (and mildly disturbed) that I had that line in me! So to speak.

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  7. Hi Mina. Thanks for the follow and the comments. You are right too "One Night in Bangkok" is killer. It's one of the songs from Chess I couldn't wait to sing when I was in it. Much appreciated. Really like your site and may be nicking some of the clever bits hope you don't mind! You have a very funny son. Mine is only 5, but has a turn of phrase that can level people 10 times his age. I might put some of his stuff on my blog. Look forward to reading more of your stuff soon.

    Cheers,

    W.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Wayne! Likewise!

      My kid and I were in fits of giggles last night as he described to me some awkward moments on the NYC subway as he raced to make a commuter train home to the suburbs, where we live. I treasure moments like those (the giggles, not the awkwardness), as most of the time he's off becoming his own independent young man and has little time for me (which I try not to take personally, with varying degrees of success).

      HOWEVER...

      Do fortify yourself, as when your child hits adolescence the cleverness you admire now will be used against you ruthlessly. Teenagers have no ruth, I tell you, no ruth at all!!! ;-)

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C'mon, post a comment. All the cool kids do.

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