Monday, December 9, 2013

No, Cupid; It's Not OK

Before I get started, I want you to understand that I ain't no dating guru*. In fact, I've rarely "dated," as such. The men with whom I've been involved were known to me in some capacity, so we weren't just starting to get to know one another from scratch. The idea of meeting up with complete strangers so we can size one another up as potential mating partners rather turns my stomach.

So naturally I decided to sign up with an online dating service.

I dunno what the hell made me do it. OK, it was having coffee with a friend who met her fiancé on OkCupid. That, and OkCupid's free. Well, unless you don't want folks to know you're stalking their profiles, in which case you have to pay. Which is what I'm doing. (No, not the stalking folks bit, the paying bit, so they don't know I'm stalking.) (Looking, not stalking. Jeez, GAH!)

Anyway, I signed up on OkCupid in August but I've yet to go out on a proper date, though it's not for lack of offers. It's just that...some of these dudes are creepy.

Or maybe I just find dating creepy.

In the first week, after getting a bunch of unappealing messages, a dude finally wrote something which engaged my interest. We had some fun exchanges and, though it wigged me out that he was 29 (coming after a 42-year-old Goth Mom!), I reckoned I'd just practice flirting and see what happened.

My stomach turned, is what happened.

I should've known things were gonna get gross when, in a reference to a note in my profile that I write romance novels, he asked me how I like my romance (in, like, his second message to me). (Well, at least he actually read my profile.) I wrote back, "Slow and steady wins the race." To which he admitted a preference for racing around the track.

I shoulda known.

We wound up on the phone one night. He was, by turns, contentious and arrogant, but to his credit, he was being upfront about what he wanted. He talked of enjoying older babes because they were more mature, and not silly, like chicks in their 20s. (For future reference, Lovers-of-Cougars: don't diss half of my sex when you're kissing up to me. I was once in my 20s, ass-hat.) What he really enjoyed was the racing analogy, and he kept going back to my "slow and steady" comment. When he hemmed and hawed at one point, I asked him what was up.

Dude: You seem to want me to be...blunt.
Me: I want you to be straightforward. (Thinking over what I've just said.) Like, gently and respectfully straightforward.

Dude: Well...it's just that I want to establish a baseline of what our expectations are.

Me (torn between amusement and horror): Go on, then.

Dude: Well...I said before I like to race around. I'm an experiencer of things, you know? While you...

Me (amusement drying up in the face of this last bit): While I like to take things slowly. Yes, I can see where we might have different ways of relating...

Dude: I don't wanna scare you off, though. Man, I'm not doing a good job of calming you down...

Me (feeling my free hand curl into an actual fist): I'm not going into hysterics over here, guy. I can appreciate where you're coming from, only it's not where I'm coming from. The thing is, it's been a while since I've...dated.

Dude (sharply): How long's a while?

Me (not seeing the point of being coy): It's been years.

Dude (after a pause): Oh. So the car hasn't even been out of the garage in a while.

At this point, I'm completely done with the conversation and struggling to find a polite way of bringing it to a close. Then the Dude obliged me by saying:

Dude: I just don't want you to write this off, you know? I mean, we've had some fun banter and we find one another attractive, and I just think, you know, if you wanted to get together, we could have a good time. Besides, I'm a fucking excellent mechanic.

At that, I laughed (loudly), congratulated him on his self-confidence, and got the hell off the phone. Haven't heard from him since, which is just fine, as I'm damned if I ever let him get his mitts on my chassis.

I was prepared to write that off as just a weird experience. But subsequent exhanges with other fellas (via message only) haven't exactly been inspiring. And, actually, it amazes me what some men find to be appropriate volleys for that oh-so-critical first serve. I mean, yeah, I get how difficult it is making that first move, but don't send me a message that contains only one line of text which reads:

sexy mama

or

hey there

or (and this one's my fave)

Hi ms lady

...and nothing else!

Other ways to make a bad impression upon me include writing me things like:

Hey you seem like a wicked ball of fun, would you be game for something "casual"?

No, I would not.

U look so damn cute!! excuse my language .
would u mind if we get to know each other ? Text me plz (phone number redacted)


If you have to ask me whether I'd mind getting to know you, then yes, I probably would mind.

Hello,
I am a 26 year old (profession redacted) from (city redacted).
I love older more mature women.
Do you enjoy younger men?


Not when they look like my kid. Ugh.

In the interest of full disclosure, there was another chap who seemed more promising: he was friendly, polite, attractive, used good grammar in complete sentences (rawr!), and appeared to be just a generally decent guy (even if he was a bit of a Hipster). I had a feeling he'd ask me out, and he did, BUT, he wanted me to trek all the way to where he lives (which is a 1.5 to 2-hour commute from where I live, though a meet-up in Manhattan after work would've been easy-peasy for us both). So I wrote back suggesting a "let's meet halfway" coffee date, and I never heard from him again.

WTF? Wanker.

::sighs::

I  haven't taken down my profile, though I really don't know why I keep it up.

OK, that's not true. I know why I keep it up, and I also know the full reason for creating it to begin with: to help me forget the fella I've been pining for since April. Perhaps, if something had come of the online dating business, it might've helped. As it was, working on getting my book ready to release took the edge off. But only the edge; the core of want remains.

Alas.

Anyway, things are getting busy with the day job, and I have a mini-anthology I want to put out in January, so I've got stuff to keep me busy. And I reckon that's the only thing I can do. Keep busy, leave the profile up, and just...be.

*I ain't no dating guru, but my pal Mac Perry, a fellow blogger, writer, and online dating vet, is. Check out her advice for the guys, as well as for the dolls.

33 comments:

  1. I met my fiancé through okcupid. I went on a few dates, only one mildly-insane broker in the mix.

    I was about to delete my profile when I saw my guy for the first time. We were really busy when we started messaging each other, which meant that we talk on the phone for about a month before meeting. I think it made a difference. But who knows. It was probably meant to be. More than three years have gone by, and we are getting married next June. We have been living together for, um... three years lol

    I had to ignore a lot of psychotic emails before running into guys who weren't crazy. Or who weren't barely 18.

    Not-so fun fact. A guy called me "racist" because my profile said that I would not date anyone who smoked. I have no idea how he got racist from that. Like I said, crazies.

    Here is the story of how my Piano Man and I met. I think we just got lucky, over and over: http://pagan-culture.blogspot.com/2012/06/crabapples.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Magaly, thanks for sharing your story with us! (I think I would also be enamored of a man with hot legs and SIX CLOSETS, OHMAHGAH!!!!!) ;-) Seriously, yours is a lovely, heartening tale, and I'm happy for you and your fella. Long live love!

      The funny thing is that my friend whom I mention in this post was also just about to delete her profile when her guy reached out to her...timing's everything, huh? :-D

      Delete
  2. Um...wow. Sorry you've had to deal with so much nonsense over on OkCupid! The mini-anthology sounds promising, though--good luck with it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Heather! Yeah, the weirdnesses with boys stink on ice but, on the other hand, they make for good blog posts! :-)

      Delete
  3. I tried OKCupid for a little while. Oi! Horrible. It's even worse when you're in your *cough*60s*cough*. It seemed, just reading the profiles and answers to the gazillion questions (some of them, WTF?), that a large proportion of the men were just looking to hook up. It's free for a reason. Ugh. Not that any of the others are all that much. I think I've tried them all, with random success (met a few guys, two who coulda been contenders but ultimately failed). I don't know. You see the same profiles on all of them, sadly. But don't give up! I was going to do a blog post about the fun and games of the new Dating Game, but I quit the game.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to say, I'm grateful for the (sometimes very revealing) questions. They really help one separate the wheat from the chaff, yo.

      Delete
  4. I've never heard of OKCupid....if you watch TV like I do all you see are commercials for Christian Mingle, eHarmony, Our Time, etc. I know my stepdaughter uses a dating site for the Cape Cod area...I think it's called 'fish in the sea' or something like that. She's met a few guys on there with disastrous results, although this current boyfriend is in the Air Force and seems more promising. Facebook did wonders for my love life, but I also realize what happened to me was an anomaly, and I knew my guy from high school. Don't give up Mina! Mr. Right is out there! Or at least Mr. Right Now. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Fish in the Sea" for Cape Cod dating is *adorable*. :-D Glad your stepdaughter's having better luck with the menfolk! As for me, I've pretty high standards - it's either Mr. Right or nothing. For, as our people (the Portuguese) say, "Antes só, do que mal acompanhado." (Better alone than in bad company.) :-)

      Delete
  5. Wanker indeed! I'm sending you some good mojo on the airwaves. And I'm glad you handled yourself so well with these jokers. Keep rising above and you'll find the right one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Ava - I can use all the good mojo I can get! <3

      Delete
  6. I applaud your efforts. I have yet to try the online dating yet. I do t know if I'll have the nerve. Everyone seems like a douche. I'm still thinking of becoming a spinster....

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll tell you what, there are some good things about flying solo (ain't gotta answer to nobody, my time's my own, I can see whatever damn movie I wanna see/eat whatever damn cuisine I wanna eat 100% of the time, no compromising). On the other hand, I'm tired of waking up with a cramped wrist 'cause I fell asleep...er...doing things. ;-)

      Delete
    2. My boyfriend is rechargeable... ;0)

      Delete
  7. I attempted the online dating thing a couple times. Something about me attracts the older guys (45plus) looking for mommies for either their late-life kids or the grandkids they have custody of. Maybe listing my profile as social worker, mother of 5 isn't such a good idea?

    See why I date the ex-husband? He may be an ass-hat most days, but at least he isn't looking to start all over again! Seriously though, finding the right guy online is as hard as finding the right guy in a bar; just gotta keep an open mind and a tight grip on the wallet :)
    And hope he dances better than he sweet-talks.

    .......dhole

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, that's pretty good advice, Donna! Thankfully, I've not had to deal with the mommy-thing (unless that's what these young whippersnappers are looking for).

      Delete
  8. sounds like the guy in question was a few quarts of oil short in his engine. Still sure you may stumble across a guy who write his name legibly (erm maybe)

    ReplyDelete
  9. HILARIOUS! Think of the writing material if nothing else.
    I look forward to hearing MUCH more on this subject!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True, these experiences make for entertaining anecdotes. :-)

      Delete
  10. Wow, he wants a woman who's mature but he's not mature himself. Thanks for sharing this. I've never heard of OkCupid.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Cougarbait can be pretty ridiculous at times! Well, that one guy wasn't trying to be bait so much as he was trying to lure the cougar into his trap! Heh. I met my husband online years ago when it was really creepy to do so. It wasn't at a dating site, though. Just a general chat site. And it's 15 years later now. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, "Cougarbait!" At least all the younguns shaking my tree have been of age! (Or say they are.) Congrats on your happy ending online romance! I'm glad to know they really do exist and aren't solely the stuff of dreams and fiction. :-)

      Delete
  12. Wow, what an experience. But makes for an entertaining blog post! Do keep us up to date on how it's going. You said new book? More gods and goddesses? Please say yes. Pretty please?
    http://tahomabeadworks.blogspot.com/2013/12/more-holiday-crafting.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it's a trio of three short stories. Two are contemporary paranormals, and the third is a glimpse of Hades and Persephone as they settle into married life. :-)

      Delete
    2. Yeah! I was sad to come to the end of the book...I love continuing stories, where there's a new plot each time, but the same characters, you know like those detective stories JD Robb writes.. The Continuing Adventures of Hades and Persephone. I mean, lots of shit goes down in the Underworld, so they could solve it and we could see their relationship grow...
      Tina @ Life is Good
      P.S Not that I don't like paranormal...I just started reading it this year due to a plethora of my new blogging buddies abounding in that genre. Interesting. The lesbian werewolf aliens were surprisingly entertaining...(Litria by Jolie duPre. It's pretty erotica, in my opinion, but I'm not a genre expert or anything...I just pretend I know the lingo and sprinkle conversations with it...)
      Tina @ Life is Good

      Delete
    3. I enjoy following characters' "lives" too. And yeah, I'm with you about the lingo and whatnot...

      Delete
  13. Online dating sounds like it sucks. Hopefully it'll be worth going through all the crap in the end.

    I gotta give Dude credit for some of his good lines.

    I said before I like to race around. I'm an experiencer of things, you know? While you...
    So the car hasn't even been out of the garage in a while.
    it's just that I want to establish a baseline of what our expectations are.

    At least he's semi-creative. Unfortunately his points for creativity get wiped out by um... all the rest of him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, that's the thing; his humor did attract me, but then...all the rest! Gah! :-)

      Delete
  14. LOVE IT! I laughed out loud at the mechanic bit too. Why not let him give you a tune up? :) Great read, Mina!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I've heard only creepers are online...but it's a lot easier to meet people online than in person sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've had luck connecting with folks who share similar interests online (fans of the same author, TV shows, that kinda thing), but the damned difficulty of that is the folks aren't local...

      Delete

C'mon, post a comment. All the cool kids do.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...