Monday, April 20, 2015

Streaming Consciousness: Wanting to Wake

...so, I haven't been doing very well. My day job's been "challenging" since the end of last July. Then all hell broke loose in December and I'm just now in a position to shove most of the Devil's prancing minions back behind the rusty red gates. On the bright side, I'm proud of myself for buckling down and plowing through the 12-hour (and 13 - 14 hour) days, getting shit done, and done well. On the other, Gothier, dark side, I feel like my spirit's finally snapped. I've known moments, many moments, when I wasn't sure I cared about living. But I'm not dead yet. So fuck you, Monty Satan...

...I won't hide from that part of me that knows as hard as things have been with my day job, dealing with that's been easier for me to face than writing...

...I've gained a stupid amount of weight from comfort-fooding and boozing to sop up the pain. Now I'm even more insecure, unhealthy, and uncomfortable. That's bullshit...

...I've managed to resist smoking. Yay, small victories...

...I haven't managed to resist coke. Diet Coke, that is. Just for the taste of it. God help me, I'm addicted to the stuff. It's just so fucking refreshing, you know???

...endeavoring to self-medicate in a healthier way, I signed up for a writing course with these cats here in the city, Gotham Writers. No, not just 'cause they've got "Goth" in their name. Though that was, I'll admit, a strong inducement. First class was April 13: did more writing in it than I had in AGES. Procrastinated on the homework assignment till Sunday night (for the April 20 class) and only just managed to churn something out. Ah well. Baby steps to self-actualization...

...went to a tea-leaf reader recently who told me, among other things, that something evil attached itself to me a loooong time ago. Which is pretty fucking freaky but not wholly unexpected...

...she also advised that my navel and throat chakras were blocked but I could easily sort them out myself. I picked up a book on the subject but am having a tough time getting through some of the more academic stuff 'cause I keep thinking to myself, "Chakra-Khan, let me rock you, let me rock you, Chakra-Khan. Let me rock you, that's all I wanna do, Chakra-Khan." 'Cause that is my maturity level at 44, folks...

...I miss you. I miss the Blogosphere. I miss creating. I miss me. Don't call this a comeback, because I'm not sure I'm ready to really engage with the world again. Perhaps the best I'll ever manage is poking my head in to say howdy, now and again. But I want to wake up. I think...





4 comments:

  1. I certainly hope you want to wake up. This post makes me unhappy because I didn't know and don't know what to do. Which, of course, makes it all about me. Wait, that's not my role in our community. Where is that woman? But more to the point, where are you? Please feel free to write to me anytime. Any ole time. Or, gasp, give me a call.

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  2. I've been wondering where you've been...you've been absent from Facebook as well. I hope you start feeling better soon. It was a horrible winter and I'm just now starting to feel like I'm coming out of it.

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  3. Sorry things have been so rough for you lately. Take as much time as you need to return to the blogosphere. Your well-being needs to be your first priority, after all! I know my own depression makes it hard to do sometimes. It's not always easy to get back into the swing of things!

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  4. Thank you, all, for your good thoughts. ❤

    SL: You're my friend and you read this--that's enough. Definitely could go for a chin-wag with you, though! :-)

    JoJo: This gorgeous spring weather certainly helps take the edge off the ick, eh? Wish it could stay like this all year long!

    Heather: Yes, it's very hard. I sometimes wonder if it's a curse on us creative types--because we feel so much, the ick hits that much harder? Thankfully, our art can heal, but sometimes taking the first action to re-engage in it seems impossible. Gah.

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