Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Seventeen years ago today…*

Balthazar, June 1995.
…at 10:21 am, I unleashed the fruit of my loins upon the world. Balthazar popped out of my pelvis weighing 7 lbs, 11 oz, and measuring 21” in length. Born of a slightly jaundiced mother, he did a brief stint under bili lights, which allowed me to get a bit of rest after my ordeal labor.

After fetching us from the hospital, his father left to pick up my sister, who was to stay with us for a couple of months to lend a hand and moral support, as needed (and both were desperately needed). I stood in the little hallway beyond the front door, cupping my one-day old baby in my hands, wondering what the hell I should do with myself. I looked over at his bedroom and realized I hadn’t put any bedding on either his crib mattress or the twin bed my sis would be sleeping in. As I pondered which to tackle first, the kitchen phone suddenly rang, an unpleasantly jarring shrill in the otherwise quiet apartment. It scared the crap out of me - and out of Balthazar as well. Literally.

I became aware of an unexpected warmth and looked down, saw the meconium oozing out of his diaper and onto my hands. The phone continued to bleat at me and I just stood there in the hallway, grossed out and nonplussed, feeling completely alone and useless.

Balthazar, September 2011
Today, he weighs about 160 lbs, stands at roughly 5’8”, and is hairier than I could ever have imagined.

And he’s still giving me shit.



*This is an updated version of a post I made on the message board of an author whose works I heart, under my other online persona, several years ago.


  1. AWESOME story!

    And that recent picture could be a still from Twilight :)

  2. Awww... Now you went and got me all misty... ;^)

    It would help if kids came with an owner's manual, don'cha think?

    'Congratulations on your recent procreation. You are now the proud, temporary-caregiver of the new 1995-model male mini-human! Please prepare yourself for your upcoming 21+ years of loving servitude by familiarizing yourself with the next 56,329 pages of this manual.'

    Loved the last line, too!

  3. Your last line 'and he's still giving me shit' made me laugh. lol Happy Birthday Balthazar!

  4. Aww! I hope he had a wonderful birthday! :)

  5. Then it sounds like he's doing his job of teenager perfectly well. Cheers :)

  6. You are awesome. Fact. Keep it coming.

  7. Heh. Wonderful story. Hope he had a great birthday! My son just recently turned two. I can't imagine what he'll be like in 15 years.

  8. @Colleen - thanks! My family get a kick out of it, too. :-)

    @Toni - oh, yeah! But he'd have to be shirtless, wouldn't he??? ;-)

    @Chris - OMG, we should SO TOTALLY WRITE A MANUAL!!!!! Let folks know what they're REALLY in for!

    @JoJo - it makes me lol too...I have to laugh or somedays I'd just cry. :-)

    @Cherie - thank you! I got him pancakes with bananas for breakfast and he's spent all afternoon and this evening with his pals, so I hope he's had a great day. (Also - we've got cupcakes for when he gets home!)

    @Charmaine - that he is...actually *he* could write a manual, though I reckon the average teen doesn't *need* one.

    @Wayne - aw, shucks. And thank you.

    @Christine - It's amazing how they grow, really. You can't ever predict how their personalities will develop. One of my greatest pleasures is coming to learn who my young man is becoming, day by day. Aw, damn - now *I'M* all misty-eyed. :)

  9. Love how you tell this story and I love the dig at the end about giving shit, still.

  10. This is beautiful. I have a 7 & a 5 year old so I have a ways to go until I can write a post like this. Thx for sharing. :)

  11. Thanks Daisy, a.eye, and Mina - looking on the bright side, all of the teen agita gives me stuff to write about, so...it's all worth it (?). ;-)

  12. ha, ha funny post - cool name, too. I have never heard of anybody else called Balthazar - you appreciate such things when you are called Dave and when someone shouts 'Dave' in a crowded office about eight people answer.

  13. Mina, this is an awesome post! The fruit of your loins is a handsome young man...even if he is still giving you shit. ;) Belated Happy Birthday Balthazar!

  14. Hey again -- hope you don't mind, but I'm passing on TWO blogging awards to ya: A "Stylish Blogger" award and a "Versatile Blogger" award. Check out my blog for the details...

  15. I will have a seventeen-year-old in a month, too. What's up with that? You're not old enough for that. I know I'm not. :)

  16. Thanks, everybody!

    @Dave - Balthazar is actually one of his middle names (it was his Confirmation name), but his real 1st name is also special, if not *quite* as unique.

    @Tracy - To my chagrin (and amusement), the lad's got a *very good* opinion of his looks. :-)

    @Chris - Ohmigosh, thanks! (Squared!)

    @Brent - We are both ridiculously too young for kids that old. Truth. (And, actually, on a good day, I feel I've the emotional maturity of a 12 year old, anyway.) :-)

  17. ROFL.. I never new what meconium. Now I wish I never did.

    I'm glad to hear things worked out though, and he seems like a really cool kid. :)


    1. Yeah, I could've done without that "hands on" experience, myself. ;-) He's basically the reason I carry on with this absurdity called life, so yeah; I think he's pretty cool. :-) And thanks!

  18. Awesome! I love it! I have a teen so I can totally relate, although mine is a girl so I get a different kind of aggravation! My blog is all about her! Visit me sometime, www.lisagradessweinstein.blogspot.com
    Take care,

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Lisa! I look forward to checking out your blog and learning whether girls really are harder to raise than boyz! (My theory is that they're both challenging in their own ways, but I've not raised a gurl, so what the hell do I know?) ;-)

  19. Loved the last line... so true! Great post.


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