|José Ferraz de Almeida Júnior|
[Public domain or Public domain],
via Wikimedia Commons
Y U SO SEX-AY?
Everybody knows that absence makes the heart grow
Understand that I'm not advocating manipulative behavior on anyone's part, I'm just noting things which have caused yearning for a man in me, which might work for you, if you feel like shaking things up a bit. Do, or do not, but don't be cruel to a heart that's true, 'cause that's fucked up.
- Be unpredictable about when you reach out to your lover; uncertainty fuels longing.
- Give your lover a couple of nights off, encouraging him/her to hang out w/pals, etc., while you do your own thing. Being reunited on that third night should feel oh, so good.
- If you're normally super touchy-feely w/your partner, ease up the next time y'all get together. Be as friendly, chatty, caring as you usually are, but not touchy, without making a point of the fact you're not being touchy. Less makes your lover want more.
What if you're the one helplessly (and maybe hopelessly?) yearning for another and it's making you crazy? Well, le suck (and believe me, I know). But the suckage will decrease as time goes by. (I promise.) In the meantime...
If it's a temporary separation (due to travel or school or short-term alien abduction) (What? That last thing could totally happen.):
1. Take care of yourself (eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, take vitamins/medications as recommended by your doctor).If it's a breakup or a case of love you KNOW will never be requited, to the above, add:
2. Fill your free time with things you love doing. If you've no particular passions beyond your lover, find some.
3. Folks tend to let regular get-togethers w/pals slide in the first flush of romance. If you did, apologize to your neglected friends, swear you'll do better from now on, and treat them to a fun night out. (Or in with your DVR/DVD player/VCR.) (Hey, I still have/use a VCR; don't judge.)
4. Give yourself a finite period of time to mourn your loss. (I'd recommend not exceeding 1 - 2 weeks, but I'm not a doctor, so WTF do I know?) Of course, if the breakup comes after years of couple-dom, grieving may prove a longer process than a couple of weeks can handle. However long you set yourself, do all your talking/crying/ice-cream eating/wine-ing then but, when the period's up, STOP. You, and your friends, will need a break.
5. After this mourning period, if intrusive thoughts about the person, or the relationship, plague you, sit down and write/type up thoughts that please you/make you happy, which have nothing to do with him or her. Then, when the undesired thoughts invade your tired mind, look at your list and think on one of the good thoughts instead. Keep doing this until you don't need to anymore. (This is a pretty basic exercise employed in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, one I learned from a licensed psychiatrist years ago and, while I can't say it's easy, I've found that it does help if I keep at it.)
6. If, after employing all of the above five steps for at least a month, you don't feel more human/sane, please seek professional help.
The grieving process differs in such a way that step #4 cannot possibly qualify as helpful, at all. But I think the other steps I listed above are important, especially #6.
In the first scenario, you've the luxury of knowing the separation is temporary, as well as the reasonable expectation of your lover's return. In the other two, well...my own battered heart goes out to you. Know that you're loved and still capable of loving, abundantly, as long as your heart's still beating. I hope healing comes quickly for you, but until it does, just keep going. You have to. Yes, you really do.