Monday, September 24, 2012

My Current State of Mind...

...is equal to and greater than overwhelmed. I know some of y'all can relate.

Work's been crazy; gotta refill a position that became vacant in the office, have been picking up some slack from that vacancy, work travel coming up this week too, and have fallen a wee bit behind in my usual duties, alas.

Need to move out of my apartment by the end of the week. Been going through stuff to see what comes with, what gets tossed, and what's worth trying to sell. Am really bumming out about moving back in with the 'rents and feel kinda awful for bumming out, as they couldn't be more ready to help. But I just ache, ache, ache inside at having to move back into that small apartment (my parents own a two-family house and have the upstairs apartment). As well, it's in the town in which I grew up, which has seriously deteriorated since my youth. It's not merely a question of there's nothing to do/nowhere to go, it's actually become a dangerous place to live.

For those new to my blog, I'm moving back in with my parents, bless them, so that money I'd have put toward rent will go to my son's college fees. It's a sacrifice on several parts, mine and my parents, who're giving up space to me, free-of-charge, for which I am truly grateful. But the closer I get to the moving date, the more I feel I'm going to implode from the strain and the sense of loss.

I got no head space left for anything and this blog post is shite. I'm spent, y'all.

Gah, gah, GAH!

OK, tantrum over. For now.

Here's a pic of the sign I made to attempt to entice folks in my building to come buy my crap-that-I-don't-want-to-pack:



And here's a tune that's looping in my mind a lot, of late:



Postscript: I felt myself teetering so near the edge of despair that I texted my Dear Friend Nikki and we went out for comfort food. Spending the evening with her, bitching and laughing, really helped. Thank God for you, Nikki, and for all good friends, everywhere—y'all make the slogging-through-shit that much tolerable. (Plus, she let me unload some of my crap-that-I-don't-want-to-pack on her!) <3

32 comments:

  1. You are, as my brother would say, up against it. I feel your pain, had to do something similar when my oldest was a wee one. The stuff we do for our kids.

    Hope it all works out for you. Good luck.

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    1. Thanks, Laurita. Having kids sure does teach one something about loving, don't it? :-)

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  2. Cheer up. I moved my whole family in with my mom years ago, now the kids have moved out and my husband and I remain. Why? Because the tables have turned and now instead of her helping us out we take care of her. That is what family is all about. We take care of our children and one day they end up taking care of us.

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    1. I'm trying to maintain a positive vibe, I'm just a bit tired right now, I think. And you're right; family take care of one another. And thank God for that.

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  3. Well Mina. It seems that all is a bit trying for you of late. I sympathise as the good lady wife and I have sold our little flat, but due to all kinds f silliness we can't get the mortgage that we want for the property that we need which means we will need to rent for a while... Not ideal.

    I would like to point out in closing that you making this sacrifice for your son is fantastic. You should be applauded. I'm sure the boy appreciates it. You are doing a wonderful thing and storing up some serious karma! Deep breath... and exhale.

    Rock on,
    W.

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    1. Oh, dear - what a pain in the arse, eh? Good luck getting your mortgage soon, soon, soon!!! And thanks for the reminder - must keep breathing! :-)

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  4. It's a wonderful sacrifice you are making for your son but I do feel your pain. I would rather commit Seppuku than move back in w/ my mom!!! Hang in there...and good luck!!

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    1. LOL...seppuku seems a bit messy. ;-) Thanks, JoJo; I will hang in!

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  5. I have just the opposite issue. My aging parents have decided they would like to essentially live very close to me so that I can take care of them. I won't be sharing a place with them, but I will most likely be helping them out a lot.

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    1. That's a tricky situation, Michael. I tease my sis about being smart enough to live in Brooklyn, which is about an hour and a half away from the 'rents and not a trip they're eager to make via public transport, so they don't expect too much from her. Living as close as I have (ten minutes away) the expectations for me were different (or maybe I just felt they were). Anyway, I hope for all your sakes that relations between y'all are warm and cordial! Have they already moved to be near you?

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  6. I'm sorry this is necessary for you, but as a parent (albeit a relatively new one), I understand what it's like to sacrifice for your child. Best of luck, and hopefully life settles down for you soon and gives you plenty of reasons to smile.

    In the interest of making you smile, I have an award for you on my blog. It even has a flower on it!

    http://lgkeltner.blogspot.com/2012/09/reader-appreciation-award.html

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    1. L.G., you're so sweet! Thanks, reading this did bring a smile to my face. I know you and your husband don't have it easy (and you've got two boys, right?). (I could barely handle my one boy!) :-)

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  7. Aw lord. Much as I like my folks not sure I could move back in (sound of blunt instrument going through wrists) - if there's a silver lining I guess it's the separate apartment as opposed to being there on the sofa with them all the time. And cudos to you because it's a very unselfish thing to do - I think I'd probably just say 'get a loan' - but hang in there. Nice coffee maker - probably not cost effective for me fo drive up there to grab it, tho...

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    1. I'm not going to be in the separate apartment, but in the old bedroom my sis and I (and when I divorced, my much younger son and I) shared. Still, you're right - it's better than the couch! :-)

      The government's got caps on the extents of loans undergraduates can take; his right now is $3500, which he is borrowing. That's a subsidized loan. He could've taken more out in unsubsidized loans, but those suckers start accruing interest right away, which over time is murderous for a college grad - they graduate already crippled by debt! Given that he wants a career in the arts (movie-making, which I absolutely support), I've cautioned him time and again to be leery of overdoing the borrowing. When you're overburdened with debt, you can't take the risks necessary for that kind of work, you know? But even if he'd taken out the unsubsidized loan, it wouldn't have been enough.

      Would you believe I wound up hiding the coffeemaker? It's just too near and dear to my heart to give up. ;-) (Sure, it'll grow dust stashed away in my parents' basement, but still...)

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    2. Um - you have like stolen the silver lining. Well good luck anyhow. I'm hoping by the time the kids come of age expensive colleges will be abolished and they can do it all online on the cheap anyhow. Yeah. It's a nice coffee maker.

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  8. I had to move back in with my parents twice after being on my own. It sucks, but in the end it got me where I needed to be. (((Hugs)))

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    1. I know, with a cute (and Tony totally is) Portuguese feller! ;-) (((Hugs back atcha!)))

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  9. I am going through those work issues myself so I can relate. I think it's awesome that you are making such a huge sacrifice for your son's education! I hope he appreciates it.

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    1. Thanks, Heather. I realize I'm bitching a lot on my blog about this (though I'm trying not to, and failing), but I don't really think about him appreciating it or not...it's just what I feel I've got to do for him, you know? It's a great school and, with my parents help, I can make it happen for him (and will, as long as he's working hard). I don't know how I'd sleep at night if I knew I *could* help him and *didn't*. I really don't think I could live with myself...

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  10. I can't help but think this segment of your life would make a great Nora Ephron movie. You should write it.

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    1. LOL - I'll have what *she's* having! ;-)

      Once I'm settled back in my old bedroom, I plan on carving out the time to dive back into writing. Even though that's work, it's so pleasurable, it's almost as good as sex. Almost.

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  11. All you do is your best and you're doing just that. Don't fret. Post away to vent and I'll be here to support. :)

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  12. I was wondering when the move would come about. I feel your pain at losing your independence and moving to a location that's worrisome from a safety standpoint. You're such a good mother! I'm pretty sure the boy knows and appreciates that.

    I guess this is where I tell you how lucky you are to have parents, not just parents who welcome you back home at this stage of your life. At this point, if I find myself unable to pay the rent or otherwise support myself, I'm going to be forced to fall on the mercy of one or both of my sisters. I've been envisioning myself of late as the "Aunt Betty" of my generation. She migrated between someplace in Miami Beach and her sisters' homes (mostly my grandmother's) in Maryland and Delaware for as long as I knew her. It didn't seem to bother her though, and she did it until she was in her 70s, when she finally decided to stay North.

    You're a strong woman, Mina, so I know you'll weather the four years. Remember that this is a temporary move back in with the 'rents. In dog years, it's not even a year! :D

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    1. I know, I am lucky to have my Mom and Pops. LOL, about the dog years...time will tell how everything works out. Meanwhile, I've an upcoming trip to your neck of the woods (October, I think?). Let's get together and watch more "Grimm!" (That dude is SOOOOO HOT!!!)

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    2. Definitely! The only really bad day is October 21, when I go up to New Jersey to watch Jane run the Tough Mudder, an insane obstacle course that takes three hours to complete. I think my child was replaced by a pod person earlier this year.

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  13. Stay strong, your son will be out of college in 4 years, and you will be proud of the fact that you did right by him, you know? In the meantime, stay safe, and maybe join some groups or clubs out where you are to get out of the house and socialize with like-minded people. Or hole up and write! Whatever fills you with hope and joy!
    Catherine Stine’s Idea City

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    1. Good advice, Ms. Stine - my theme for the future is balance. Solitary writing with socializing, to balance the ick. I feel once I've moved, I can set a schedule and will probably (hopefully!) start feeling better about things. If not, there are always drugs. ;-)

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  14. Though I was never a big REO Speedwagon fan, Riding the Storm Out seems like appropriate packing music. You're doing an awesome thing for that boy of yours. Be proud!

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  16. You're a wonderful mom and a wonderful person. I know Balthazar will look back on this and be eternally grateful for having such a strong, giving, and loving lady as his mom. You rock! I hope your move goes well. Let me know when things settle down so we can go out for a drink or dinner :)

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  17. @Ava - I'll have to check that out!

    @Toni - thanks, Lady. And will do!

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