Friday, May 18, 2012

Pity party...

I'm in a funk, y'all...and not the groovy bass line type, either.








Wanna help? Tell me a joke. Seriously. Sympathy makes me fall to pieces. Crack me up, and I'll thank you.

PS: The "Sick of You" tune isn't meant for any of you, Dear Readers. In fact, blogging and the Blogosphere are among the few things that currently bring me any joy at all.

PPS: Who the hell let that mosquito in my apartment and how the frick am I going to get any sleep tonight, knowing that miserable little, disease-carrying bloodsucker roams free?


26 comments:

  1. What's long and brown and sits on a piano bench?


    ...

    Beethoven's last movement!

    What do toilet paper and and the Star Ship Enterprise have in common?


    ...


    They both fly around Uranus looking for Klingons!

    What's brown and sticky?


    ...


    A stick!

    That's all the poop jokes I have for now. Buy some mosquito coils or those plug-in repellents!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ROTFLOL!!!!! Thanks, Colleen - those were le hilarious, gave me really big belly laughs!

      Y'all, do like she done!!!!!

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  2. sorry re the moood - OK how do you make a hormone? - Don't pay her.

    yup third grade has a lot to answer for. Hope you killed the mozzie and things get more fun.

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    Replies
    1. LOL! Another belly laugh! Thank you, my good man. And I think I *may* have nailed the bugger, but I can't find its nasty carcass anywhere, alas. I need proof it's truly been dispatched!

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  3. An old guy is walking in the park when he sees a kid sitting on a bench with a stack of chocolate bars beside him. As he watches, the kid takes a chocolate bar off the top of the stack, unwraps it, and eats it. He reaches for another, and eats that too. He's on his third chocolate bar when the old guy can't stand it any more and walks up to the kid, prepared to deliver a lesson.

    "Young man," he says, "are you really going to eat all that chocolate? What about your health? You will make yourself sick."

    The kid barely pauses as he polishes off his fourth chocolate bar and reaches for another. "My grandfather lived till he was a hundred and three," he says.

    "What?" shouts the old guy. "By eating chocolate bars?"

    "Nope," says the kid. "By minding his own business."

    (Okay, it's not very good, but I hope it made you smile.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It had a brilliant punchline and chocolate - what's not to love??? :-) Thank you!

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  4. Righto. First surreal :

    Two biscuits on a bicycle. One says to the other "Where do you live?" The other replies, "I'm not telling you! You'll come around to redecorate!"

    Secondly, one for the kids:

    A bear and a rabbit are having a crap by a tree in the forest. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have a problem with getting poop on your fur?" The rabbit says "No." So the bear wiped his backside with the rabbit.

    Lastly, a rude one :

    A farmer buys several pigs. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant. So he takes them to another farmer, who has a prize stud boar.
    The farmer asks the second farmer how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The second farmer says they'll lay down & wallow in the mud. Next morning, the farmer wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck and takes them back again. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and he loads them up again. The next morning, he can't be bothered looking at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Wayne - Love the biscuit one! (Only, I have to remind myself that when you say "biscuit" what you really mean is "cookie.")

      ;-)

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  5. Replies
    1. Me too! I really dig the singer's unique, deadpan style, it really fits the music.

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  6. What's Irish and sits by a pool? Patio Furniture (Paddy O'furniture). LMAO My fave joke. Hope you are feeling better soon!! :D

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    Replies
    1. Haha! Thanks, JoJo! You reminded me of one of my faves - What do you call an Irishman who bounces off the walls? Rick O'Shea! :-D

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  7. You know my favorite one was the Irish one!!!!! Hope your funk is lifted soon!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks - the belly laughs certainly help.

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  8. Okay, first I'm sorry for being so late to see this post! Been going through a bit of stuff...it's okay now though. Here's something I think you'll get a kick out of, even though I hope that you are already smiling...and have managed to get rid of the pesky mosquito! (You've probably heard the first before but it still makes me giggle)

    Why does Peter Pan fly?
    If you got hit in the peter with a pan, you'd fly too.

    What do men and chocolate bars have in common?
    They're sweet, smooth, and usually go straight for your hips.

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hah - no, I hadn't heard the Peter Pan one before. Ouch! :-)

      That last one reminded me of when I was about 16 and worked at a drug store. I was neatening up shelves and a dude asked me where the sponges were. I told him the aisle and he left, only to return and tell me he wasn't looking for *cleaning* sponges. It took me a few seconds to grasp his meaning. By the time I'd escorted him to the correct aisle, I'm pretty sure my cheeks were on fire. :-D

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    2. Forgot to say thanks, Tracy!

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  9. What's the definition of an organ grinder?

    Sand in a condom.

    --

    How do you confuse an Irishman?

    Give him three shovels and tell him to take his pick.

    --

    If a brunette and a blonde jump off a cliff at the same time in a high diving competition, which one hits the water first?

    The brunette, the blonde has to ask for directions.


    ... cheer up goth pie, don't be down :) And thank you for your input of the story thingy. You are that gypsy, I just know it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ::Groans:: Oh, Mark, Mark! :-D Thanks, Homeslice!

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  10. Girl, I like your style!

    I will tell you a story.. One year my husband worked at the Ren Fair as part of the "yeoman of the guard" basically the security for the royal queen. This very scantily clad lady comes sauntering up to the group of men, with her boyfriend walking behind her. The captain of the guard said, "lets give this lady a round of applause," and the guys all started clapping their hands and whistling. The lady smiled at all of the attention and her boyfriend obviously proud of himself for behind with her. Then the captain said, "Thats right. Your woman just got the clap from the yeoman of the guard."

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    Replies
    1. LMAO - I heart this story SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!! Best Renaissance Fair EVER!!! :-D

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    2. Thanks Mina Lobo, you are my goth hero! I love your fiction btw. When will you be writing a novel? :)

      Andrea

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    3. Andrea, I think I love you. ;-) Thanks for that - it was a *real* boost to my ego! I've written two novels; one needs major revision to pump up the romance factor (this is not a euphemism), the other I've been shopping around to agents.

      Delete
    4. theenchantedwriter (at) gmail (dot) com

      If you want anyone to give it a look over. I love your writing style. I am a big romantical goo bag so I might be able to help with ideas to pump up the rom factor. :)

      Just let me know! I want to see your work out there!!

      Andrea

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    5. LOL - "...big romantical goo bag!" Hilarious!

      Thanks so much for the offer! The focus of the book wasn't really the romance, but I've decided to keep the core of the conflict while really telling a "courtship narrative." That is to say, the story currently starts at a crisis point in the MC's relationship and there's barely any time she and her love interest are actually together. So I'm going to spin in from the beginning of their courtship, while trying to figure out how to keep the core action in...maybe I'll take you up on a read when it's ready!

      Delete

C'mon, post a comment. All the cool kids do.

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